How to Spot an Off-Duty Commercial Pilot in 3 Easy Steps
One of the weirdest skills I developed as a flight attendant was the ability to spot pilots in the wild. Flight attendants notice everything, and this is no different.
“But Maigen, I can spot a pilot too! They’re easy to see at the airport.” I’m not talking about in uniform, at the airport, within a gaggle of young flight attendants (à la Catch Me If You Can).
I’m talking about halfway around the world, standing on a random street corner in Prague or Amsterdam or Buenos Aires. Give me about thirty seconds, and I can point them out.
For one thing, they’re almost always a white guy of a certain age (I would love to hope that the crews have become more diverse since I’ve left working above the wing, but I’m nothing if not a realist). His name is probably John. Or Jim. Or Bill. Maybe Rick. John is always a safe guess. If it’s not one of those, there’s at least a decent chance it’s Jason. But I can identify them before they introduce themselves, actually. Do you want to know how?
First, look at the socks. There are only two possibilities.
Option one: bright white crew socks pulled all the way up with aggressively comfortable walking shoes. The kind of sneakers that say, “I’ve logged 14,000 steps today, and my podiatrist would be proud.” (And I promise you, he has a podiatrist)
Option two: black dress socks, similarly pulled up. Not because it’s a fashion statement, but because those are the socks he packed for the return flight, and he either forgot to pack casual socks…or he’s recently divorced and nobody is packing his suitcase anymore.
He’s probably wearing a polo shirt and some Rick Steve’s-recommended travel chinos, or some cargo shorts (75% chance there are things in most of the pockets). Or a windbreaker that just had the wrinkles shaken out of it. They do not pack clothing that is in any way stylish or modern. Either they don’t know better or their wife made sure they look as un-fuckable as possible.
Now look around.
Is there another one standing within five to fifteen feet? Looking almost identical?
Of course there is.
Pilots travel in pairs.
You’ll never mistake a pilot duo for a gay couple, trust me.
I don’t know if it’s a security protocol or the buddy system they learned in kindergarten, but you almost never find just one. They’re like mallards. If you spot one, there’s another nearby discussing exchange rates or whether the hotel shuttle leaves every twenty minutes or every thirty.
Then comes the location.
Every city on Earth has an Irish pub, and somehow every airline crew hotel exists within a ten-minute walk of one.
Paris? Irish pub.
Tokyo? Irish pub.
Sydney? Irish pub.
I honestly think you could map every international crew hotel in the world just by locating the nearest pub with Guinness on tap.
Once you’ve spent enough years in the industry, the pattern becomes impossible to ignore. I reached the point where I felt like I could walk up to a complete stranger based on this criteria and ask, “What equipment are you on?”
Odds are in my favor he would blink twice and say, “Uh… the 767.”
Then he’d ask, “Wait… how did you know I was a pilot?”
Years of professional observation, my friend.
I demonstrated this super useless superpower to my grandmother at the Chili’s on Tyvola Road in Charlotte, NC in 2010. I know, that’s not an Irish pub, but I spotted two guys who fit the profile and went “Watch this.” They ended up being pilots for DHL, rather than “glorified bus drivers” flying passenger planes, but it counted in my book!
Now, ladies of a certain age, don’t overlook this information. A retired or soon-to-retire pilot can be an excellent find. The care and feeding is surprisingly inexpensive. Keep a steady supply of coffee, comfortable shoes, and permission to talk about aviation and/or the weather, and they’ll happily whisk you away on flight benefits that are worth their weight in gold.
If you’re under about thirty-five and you’ve somehow managed to avoid your first divorce, though…you can probably do better.
I’m kidding.
Mostly.
